5. Insights from a film

6th April

Everybody was jumping up and down today. Maharaj phoned at 06h30 to tell us the good news. You have been responding to his requests. Open your eyes, open your mouth, move your leg up, turn your head! I sent 20 sms’ and I got almost as many replies. When I visited you at 11h00 with Gen you would have been given your cocktail at 08h00, so you didn’t  do much but squeezing my hand and feeling  ticklish on your foot. Good, anyway! Tonight, however, you were fast asleep once again… I rubbed your calloused feet with a Pumice stone for 45mins, looks better. Listened to Counting Crows & Barry White with the kids again. They are really missing you, you know. Luca’s been telling me, he’s the man of the house now, it’s alright. He will look after me.

The young guy, Delon, who was in a MVA last weekend, broken neck, doctors were saying it’s hopeless he will be a paraplegic from the neck down. Well he’s opened his eyes, his arms are moving around. Good stuff!

Sipping my cocktail. Pina Colada tonight. Trying to get more glass bottles to fill up with sweets for Crafter’s Market, now that you’re not here to drink quantities of little coke bottles !!!


“It is one of the most beautiful compensations of life. That no man can sincerely try to help another without helping himself.” Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882) Sure… I only rub those calluses to make myself feel better…


I’d better go to sleep – even if at the bottom of my bed, sideways, because the kids are both in it…


You dismissed Craig from the partnership. But let me tell you, having done that, you can now see what a true friend he is. He attended meetings with me, Gerhard, Arno and Genevieve today. Good thing too, ask Gen. Gerhard was like a shark, he wanted to start afresh – new show, new sponsors, new company and new  contract with MNET, only leaving you a share in trust in case you wanted it. Craig spoke out for Sonia – what is she going to get out of it ? Gerhard said that’s not his problem. He can’t be involved in a company if he doesn’t know what debts it has etc. So start anew and Sonia will not be a part of it. He doesn’t want to pay for someone who brings nothing. I put my foot down and say nothing can be done without Ari’s consent. Until then no new nothing, we make a temporary agreement to be revised when he returns. No selling of shares, no new changes, no new contracts, we carry on, use your bank account for easy access to funds and make a temporary agreement on sharing out income for each other.


Wednesday 7th April 2004: Ari has been moved from ICU to High Care ! That means he is really doing good, and on his way to those great big Tuna waiting for him in the bays of Cape Town !


Sunday 11th April

I’m not as strong as you! Not such a strong fighter. I can’t do as much as you can. I’ve put myself on the line for you, stretched out and promised things. I don’t know if I can do them. Promised to work on AAS, to go out and direct shoots, oversee editing, organize sponsors and arrange for a temporary new presenter. I know I won’t leave you even for one day unless you tell me with your own words, you want me to go. I know I have only about three hours a day realistically to do any work, otherwise I’m driving, seeing you, being with Luca and Zoë. I must not neglect them. Very Important. Anthony Cavill-Taylor has offered his very invaluable help and I took it because I’m desperate for it. Gerhard and Arno are out of the picture, I’m very sorry to say. They were your friends. I’m meeting them one last time to get your laptop back and make the story clear. Craig has his own work to do. I’m committing myself to all these things… Gen is my partner, I told her I need her help. I must let myself give over to others for help, but look what happened with Gerhard and Arno – they took too much freedom and now have messed up. Even if I got them wrong (and I have tried to sort it out and keep them in) your folks have labelled them devils and won’t hear of them. Leonard was too harsh!!! We would have made something of this. Now I’m almost alone. I don’t want your parents involved at all.

I wish I were as strong as you. This week you have made such amazing progress!!! From opening a blank eye and squeezing a hand, you now seem awake and listening behind your ear. You see pictures of the kids individually, you look at everyone specially. You make us feel special, seen by you. You see the sky and trees outside your new window in High Care. Yesterday you helped me put the plastic cast on your hands, because I said I had been in trouble for taking them off! The physio makes you wear them to keep your wrists straight. And I said I’d read you your book later on if you want to sleep a while first, so you closed your eyes and put your head down and let me go. But I heard you needed a Pethadine fix shortly afterwards. Verena Zimmerman came to see you. She’s lovely. Like an angel in the hospital, always there. You were in your blue armchair propped up by cushions; you were trying so hard to stand up, pushing the floor with your feet, lifting your head and shoulders, sweating. You were slipping so I had them lift you up and I put your feet up, but you got cross. Your face went red and you were pushing. So I put your feet down again and you relaxed.


Timeline – 11th April 2004

Neil said goodbye to me tonight. A message from an Angel. Easter Sunday.

Today was all perfectly timed: 17:00 – I can manage to fit in that movie I’ve been saying I was going to see, to freshen up my brain. You can’t imagine how it did !

I’ve still got sand in my shoes, and I can’t shake the thought of you – I should get on, forget you, but why would  I want to ? I wanna see you again…  Dido

I had no idea what I was going to go watch. In the queue, on the billboard – Shattered Glass, starts at 17:00, should finish just in time for Ari’s next visits. What about Timeline ? heard of it, looks like it’s got Kevin Bacon – I like Kevin Bacon. But it’s not on the board. I ask anyway. Starts at 17:15 – perfect ! just enough time to buy Ari’s razors, and Dido.  So I buy the ticket for Timeline …….

The very first thing that shows up in the movie: Paul Walker – the guy I’d always described as Neil’s identical twin (well ok, not identical, but very similar, and just as hooooot) I thought I was going to be sick ! It’s not Kevin Bacon, it’s Paul Walker ! that’s right, I remember seeing him on Jay Leno promoting the show. How could I possibly sit through this movie with him ?? I was supposed to think of something else !

30 seconds later, I find out his character’s name is John. Oh goodness. I thought again I was going to be sick. What sort of funny joke is this ??? I sent an sms to my mum and stopped watching for a while. But I stayed.  Then I find out he’s been secretly in love with this pretty archaeologist girl with long brown hair. Oh, and her name is Kate… Hum, just because Neil’s blonde girlfriend was called also Kate, I’m not going to pretend there’s any resemblance with me here, that would be presumptuous. So I ignore it this time.

The movie unfolds into a story of time travel, where John and Kate find themselves transported through a wormhole that takes them to another place another time: from 21st Century USA, to 14th Century France. Another Time Another Place.

So it dawns on me – another time another place we’ll meet again. We’ll meet again, another time another place. That felt a bit like a revelation, a bit creepy, but uplifting.

At one point, I see my fingers are all interlocked, and without me realising it, my left thumb is stroking my right hand, but it stops when I eventually see it. I don’t move my fingers from there, I know Neil is with me, I feel it all over myself. I think of him and times we were together. I know this is the time we must say goodbye. I know we have till the end of the movie. I swim in the feeling. I feel better, I know this is it, I keep repeating another time another place, we’ll meet again – over and over again. I believe it.

In the movie John and Kate are together together together together by the time the story is half way, I love to see it, I imagine it is Neil and I. Another place another time, we’ll be together, we’ll meet again. That‘s ok, that’s the way it will be that is how it must be, that’s Neil’s message.

The very last scene of the movie was John and Kate, sitting close in a hug, smiling, with their fingers interlocked.

I’m in love, and I always will be. Dido

Today, this life time, I am here for Ari, I always knew that, I always will be, I always knew that, I never doubted it once, and I never ever did anything to the contrary. Never ever never ever ever ever.

Don’t worry, I will be your safety, and I will be home … Dido

I came out of the movie into another life, the weight of the world had lifted off my shoulders. I am free. Thank you Neil, thank you for your message, you let me go. Why did you visit me here, I mean in this life ? to remind me that there is more than we see ? to make me see that there is so much happening around us, don’t worry, this is all a story, the pages in a book, something we are experiencing right now, don’t worry, whatever it is, there’s always something else around the corner, good or bad. Somewhere else.

Nothing I have is truly mine, I deserve nothing more than I get …Dido

I went to visit Ari, free as a bird, smile on my face. As I walked from my car to the hospital, always the furthest parking space away, my fingers were tingling, I could hear every single sound, feel the cool breeze on my skin, smell the fresh soil around me, I was as light as the wind.

Ari was sleeping so peacefully tonight. I told him that we would soon be walking hand in hand in the fine sand of an Egyptian beach, with the smell of the sea and the desert lifting us up into the stars, on our way to a fishing expedition, or a snorkelling outing, whatever he wants to do. Just like we were planning a few months ago. I told him not to worry about a thing, because I’d always be there for him, just like I always said, and that everything would be just fine, whatever happened.

You’re right Barbara, Neil has gone to be an Angel. Another time another place, we’ll meet again.


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